As you are quite possibly aware, at the start of each New Year I embark on the perilous quest that is the annual cleaning of my trusty steed, the Mikeyra. (Trusty steed is a metaphor. The Mikeyra is a car, not a horse. And cleaning is a literal term, rather than a euphemism for some sort of equine colonic irrigation)

As is traditional, I have compiled a list of the weird and wonderful objects found within the confines of its fading red chassis whilst completing the cleansing ritual. They are preserved here, partly for the enjoyment of the reader, but mostly as an important historical record for future generations.

• 11 parking tickets
• 1 used tissue
• A screw that belongs in my driver’s door armrest, the absence of which has resulted in regularly tumultuous car journeys for my elbow
• A leaflet for the delightfully named Chinese restaurant China Wang
• A 200ml carton of Princes 100% Pure Orange Juice from concentrate
• 1 payslip from New Community Enterprise Ltd. For Mr R L Galpin.
• The tape from my baptismal service in 2008
• An empty McDonald’s coke cup
• November’s issue of The Wessex Scene – the student-run Southampton University newspaper
• An empty transparent plastic cup
• Some used kitchen roll
• A silky, grey tie
• 2 temporary Southampton City Council parking permits for Zone 21
• An empty ready salted McCoy’s packet
• The flattened remains of a takeaway Costa cup warmer
• A piece of paper reading ‘Working at the Southampton Guildhall any problems please ring REDACTED’
• Some expired Sainsbury’s Nectar card vouchers
• A fudge wrapper
• 1 glove
• An empty can of de-icer
• A notebook
• Numerous chord sheets for classic Christmas pop hits
• Some scrunched up foil
• A tiny, blown bulb
• An empty Quavers packet
• 4 Euro cents
• Notes from a lecture by Crispin Fletcher-Louis
• A picture of me, drawn by Becca, aged 9 ½
• The scattered remains of the world’s worst windscreen wipers
• The packaging that the world’s worst windscreen wipers arrived in
• An empty Roysters packet
• A red and white straw. Not bendy
• Notes from a Child Protection course
• A church magazine
• An empty packet of Nice ‘n Spicy Nik Naks
• A screw to a unknown god
• Another used tissue
• A voucher for a free eye test plus £30 off glasses when you spend £100 or more at Optical Express. Valid until 30^th June 2014.
• 18 pence in good old-fashioned British change
• A River Island box containing what appears to be a tiny pillow attached by a piece of elastic
• A Mace Windu lightsaber toy. Purple blade, but sadly the Phantom Menace-style hilt
• Another McDonald’s cup
• A used 9v battery. I could tell it was used ‘cos I licked it
• Some black napkins
• A packet of fake eyebrows from Wilko
• A mug belonging to Roger and Jacquey Newton
• The invoice from my most recent MOT
• An empty Marks and Spencer’s turkey feast sandwich box. This was a delightful sandwich and comes highly recommended. A sumptuous seasonal sensation. 10/10
• A green bow-tie (not self-tie)
• A black, velvet bow-tie (also not self tie)
• 13 receipts
• A birthday card from Auntie Gill
• Another straw (white and yellow. Not bendy)
• A Sainsbury’s carrier bag
• The paper back of a fake moustache
• A set of chords for Rend Collective’s My Lighthouse in the key of C
• An empty individual raspberry Mini Roll packet (Halloween special)
• 1 genuine Evans-made XLR y-split
• A kettle lead
• A Behringer Xenyx 802 premium 8-input 2-bus mixer and power supply
• Another picture of me, drawn by Callum Penman from Tent 1
• An Energizer torch that I accidentally stole from some poor kid at Hill House
• A singular flip-flop (right foot)
• 1 black, leather-bound NIV Bible
• A 1 litre container of oil. About a quarter full
• Julie Beeching’s new address
• 1 plain black sock
• Half a 3-month-old Ginsters Original Cornish Pasty. Still in its packet. Property of a Mr Chelange Joseph.

You are welcome