I am not always the most punctual person.

Now I know – that must come as a surprise to you. I seem like a guy who has it all together, who would never dream of being so much as 10 seconds late to any of the various events, soirées and get-togethers at which his presence is required.

Terribly sorry to shatter those illusions.

But it’s not always my fault. I promise. You see, my body likes to conspire against me.

Too often I am the victim of the Last-Minute Surprise Poo (henceforth referred to as the LMSP).

I’m going to stop briefly here because I have just discovered that Microsoft Word apparently doesn’t recognise the word poo. What kind of sick world are we living in?

Anyway, let me explain. What happens is thus: I have just got myself all ready to leave. I’ve found some socks, put my shoes on, worked out which jacket I left my keys in, then my other keys, then found out which perfectly illogical place I put my water bottle, filled it up and got to the door.

It is at this point that my brain casually decides to inform me that I need a poo. No warning whatsoever.

‘Why now? Could you not have realised this ten minutes ago?’ I say, in one of my many fruitless conversations with my own brain.

Of course I have little choice but to acquiesce to its demands. No one wants to be the guy who turns up to a meeting, appointment, meal, party or other social gathering and immediately goes to the toilet for five minutes. That’s not cool.

Is this just me? Does that happen to anyone else? Is there some sort of scientific explanation for it?

Anyway. The next time I’m late for something, you will know why. And when I eventually turn up, you’re totally allowed to say, ‘Last Minute Surprise Poo?’

Unless of course you don’t feel that our relationship has reached the stage where we are comfortable discussing each other’s bowel movements.

None of you wanted to know any of that, did you?