So you may not have heard, but I’ve just got a new job writing internet headlines.

It’s an under-appreciated art. Mark my words, in years to come all of the world’s most celebrated artists will be internet headline writers. Personal wealth will no longer be measured in pounds and dollars but in the number of clicks one’s links generate.

So I thought you guys might be interested in some examples of my best work as a headlinesmith (that’s the correct noun. The emphasis is on the second syllable)

Feedback is always appreciated. Which of these links would you click on?

• 5 secrets to getting dressed like a pro
• 37 true facts about marmots and their beliefs on eschatology that are SIMPLY UNBELIEVABLE
• Something about the 90s
• This man wants to cook his children and eat them with a delicious Loyd Grossman tomato and chilli pasta sauce (article itself says the exact opposite of what the headline appears to imply)
• You WON’T BELIEVE what this lady found in her handbag
• 17 things you should stop doing if you ever want anyone to love you
• I don’t need to write anything interesting or even relevant here because the thumbnail is a picture of a girl in a bikini
• 183 pigeons that could write more imaginative content than this
• 43 naked mole rats that look like Jeremy Clarkson’s left nipple
• 81 different ways you will consider ending it all while reading this article
• 24 and a half things you should already know by the time you are 24 and a half to be considered a competent human being
• 32 MIND BLOWING ways to make a list
• Michael Gove is an unremitting moron. Click if you agree
• This man bought a packet of Tesco Value Muesli and you WON’T BELIEVE what he discovered inside
• Which sexually transmitted disease are you? Take the test to find out!

I’m sure you will agree that I have discovered my true vocation in life.