FAO The Affianced
I don’t know if you have noticed, but everyone is engaged. No, literally everyone. I can barely get through a week of moderate Facebook use without being informed of yet another friend’s betrothal.
I’m not even using hyperbole for effect.*
Now, this isn’t going to be one of those grumpy blogs where I say how ridiculous engagement is and how it’s rubbish being single. Not at all – it’s great being single. I don’t have to shave.
And plus, engagements generally tend to end with weddings. And I love weddings.
What are ridiculous though, are engagement cards. What’s the point? It’s like getting someone a birthday card 6 months in advance. And then giving them another on the actual date. That’s just silly.
But that’s not what I’m going to talk about just now. Instead I have a proposal of my own, for those affianced friends of mine. Something that I feel can make me a little money and secure my invitation to a few more weddings.
I am officially making the Mikeyra available for hire as a wedding car. With me as your personal chauffeur.
My prices are almost as low as the car’s top speed. Just £40 for the day plus petrol money for getting to and from the venue. Along with some exciting optional extras that I will detail further on.
Just to give you a clearer idea of the unique package that I am offering, here are some more details:
The Mikeyra is a vintage ‘94 fading bright red Nissan Micra, 1.0 engine. Only 79,000 miles on the clock. Five doors. No power steering, air conditioning, electric windows, cup-holders, rear windscreen wiper or sunroof. Fan works perfectly. But only on the maximum setting. Goes from 0-60mph in comfortably under 10 weeks.
If that’s not enough to convince you, then here are some superb ‘only-for-friends’ supplements:
– For an extra £15 I will personally clean out the interior. Another £5 on top of this, and I’ll vacuum as well.
– An extra £10 and I will find a politically correct small boy to hand wash the exterior.
– For £2.50, I will let you have the one and a half melted Lion bars on the dasboard for your consumption on the journey to or from the venue.
– £5 and I will play S Club 7’s Don’t Stop Movin’ loudly out of the one working speaker as you arrive and as you leave.
– I will replace the squeaky and, quite frankly terrible windscreen wipers for £20
– For the low, low price of £12 I will regale you with my own specific brand of witty repartee on the journey, including the JLS condom story and the ham bush joke.
– For £13 I will remain silent.
If you’re interested (and why wouldn’t you be?) please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Call on 07746606726 or email at mikey3.6+CAR@gmail.com.
But hurry. I imagine I will very quickly run out of free Saturdays.
*I was using hyperbole for effect.