A List of Things Recently Discovered in my Car

Recently, I performed the required yearly cleansing ritual on my car, in order that it may be presented without blemish upon the day of reckoning.

The following is a list of things I found inside its rusty innards whilst completing the rite:

  • 31 parking tickets (the legal kind, where you pay beforehand)
  • A piece of paper upon which Roger and Jacquey Newton’s address was written, alongside a helpful diagram
  • An open packet of Lidl salami
  • One mystery gospel tape, with a track list containing ‘How I Love Jesus’, ‘His Eye is on the Sparrow’ and ‘Old Time Religion’
  • 3 mostly empty water bottles
  • A tiny, bright green staple remover
  • 8 pence in change
  • 2 euro cents
  • Half a pack of Haribo Starmix
  • 2 pairs of sunglasses, each missing an arm
  • A ‘fragile’ sign with my old address on it
  • 3 very old and brown banana skins
  • An invoice for my last MOT
  • 6 pens
  • A set of guitar strings missing a b-string
  • The chords to Crown Him with Many Crowns
  • 4 bottles of Beck’s beer that had been rolling around the floor of the car for a month. Be very wary if I offer you a beer for a while
  • A Showcase Percussion parking permit (Does this count as another parking ticket? I’m gonna say no)
  • 3 plasters, which were stuck to…
  • The remains of the Lion bar on my dashboard
  • 2 empty cartons of Ace Vitamin drink
  • 1 full carton of Ace Vitamin drink
  • A hairbrush (Not mine. Any takers?)
  • 2 washers
  • An open packet of Lidl cheese
  • The empty wrapper of a Ginster’s Turkey, Bacon and Cranberry pasty, which turned out to be disappointingly mediocre
  • 2 flyers to Spiers and Boden’s farewell tour
  • A whole lion bar, that has evidently melted and reformed more times than it would care to recollect
  • 3 clothes hangers
  • A green luggage bag
  • The accidental strippergram hat bequeathed to me by Miss Joanna Fox
  • 1 reversible tie. So, in effect it’s like 2 ties really
  • Half of a Lidl seeded wholegrain roll
  • A guitar stand
  • 2 biscuits tins full of sandwiches that had been there for roughly 2 months
  • The stuff that was growing on the sandwiches in the tins that had been there for roughly 2 months
  • An ASDA trainee badge


There is perhaps an argument that this should happen more than once a year.


One response to “A List of Things Recently Discovered in my Car”

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