So, the moment is upon us. A moment we all knew would arrive. But none of us wanted to face. It is time to say goodbye to the hallowed vehicle we have come to know, affectionately, as the Mikeyra.

So many memories it has given us. So many lives it has touched. So many adventures. So many words I could say. And I will. But not yet, for there are important rituals to be observed.

Because before sending it off to its probable destruction being raced irresponsibly round a field in Somerset by thrill seeking farmers, I had resolved to give it one final ceremonial cleansing, so that it may ascend the hill of Whitney Farm with pure seats and clean footwells.

This, boys and girls, is an historic document. The final record of what was found within its bruised and battered, faded red chassis. Take a deep breath. Make yourself a cup of tea. Have a seat. You could be here for a while.

• A Tesco Deli Club BLT package and leftover crusts
• An empty Wotsits packet
• 2 tissues used to check oil levels
• Some wedding favour smarties
• An empty Nik Nak packet. Nice ’n spicy. Obviously
• 22 receipts
• A muffin wrapper
• The tape from my baptism service (this is a re-entry at number 9)
• A mediocre tape to mp3 adaptor
• One temporary parking permit for Southampton City Centre
• An empty Dairy Milk wrapper
• A dry piece of banana skin
• 2 pence in change
• An alternator belt
• A failed MOT certificate
• A thank you card
• 3 used tissues
• An empty straw wrapper
• A card from Judah Boxall for my 25th birthday
• One rubber headlight fixing
• An envelope with my name on it
• 2 orders of service for the wedding of Kai Seng Ing Bawmwang and Joshua Michael Luke
• The price tag for some flowers that I bought my mother. They were not very expensive
• A blown headlight bulb
• The foil from a jam tart. Flavour unknown
• 4 empty cartons of Innocent smoothies for kids. Peaches and Passion Fruit flavour. And the multipack box they came in
• My old student ID card. Valid until 30/09/12
• An invitation to tell someone about my visit to a Shell garage where I was apparently served by Pam
• An empty Tesco Roast Chicken, Bacon and Stuffing sandwich packet
• 5 years worth of tax discs
• The fiendishly difficult world quiz party game that held said tax discs in place
• The small piece of blu-tac that held said fiendishly difficult world quiz party game in its place
• 8 parking tickets (legal)
• A windscreen sponge thingy
• A homemade purple bow-tie
• An Empty packet of jelly teeth and lips from Sainsbury’s
• A blown indicator bulb
• Some wedding favour tea. Still smelling delicious
• An air freshener in the shape of glasses, nose and moustache – complete with a fake moustache stuck to it
• The programme from the final Delirious gig
• An EE power bar. I am not an EE customer
• A mystery gospel tape (another re-entry here)
• A mystery bit of metal
• A very old dextro energy tablet
• A bottle of Supagood aftercare car shampoo. Won at a Ted Knight house party
• A cloth to be used with said shampoo
• 5 Soul Survivor teaching cassettes from 2004
• Another apparently non-functioning, nondescript bulb
• A pair of sunglasses missing an arm
• An arm for a pair of missing sunglasses
• The suction cup mechanism that connected my Satnav to the windscreen before it was stolen. The Satnav. Not the windscreen
• Notes from a talk I gave. It looked like a good one
• A tiny die covered in sticky stuff and fluff
• A small screw
• 4 spare buttons for my coat
• A setlist for a rock choir gig in Westbourne
• A piece of paper detailing visitor safety procedures for Hartley library
• The People’s album, Vol. 1 on cassette
• A payslip from February 2014
• Half an empty cola flavoured gums pack
• A blank appointment card for Vision Express
• An order of Service for the Marriage of Stephanie Turton and John Foreman Freeman
• An empty bin bag
• A pick holder for a microphone stand
• 4 euro cents
• A book of word searches
• A sheet about Postgraduate Application Information for Music in Southampton
• A sock, stuck to an envelope, another receipt, a bag of screws, a used tissue, an eye prescription and some string by some yellow stuff that I think used to be a Cadbury’s Eclair
• A scrap of paper with the word Mikey on it
• One IKEA kitchen clip
• A voucher to save money on glasses from Boots
• An empty Flame grilled Chicken and Bacon Pasta packet
• A mystery tea bag
• A tag saying Merry Christmas from the Fuel team
• The rancid remains of 3 packed lunches
• A tent
• A RideRide pen
• Another envelope with my name on it
• An empty Castrol oil bottle
• A Hercules straight microphone stand
• The lid of a Right Guard deodorant can
• One 3/4 full 1.25ml bottle of Diet Coke
• An Ignite rota and small group notes inside an empty tub of Fox’s Chunkier Cookie Bites
• A cinema ticket from Wednesday 22 January 2014
• One of those multi-coloured pens
• A normal pen
• An empty packet of sea salt flavoured popcorn
• A self-inflating camping mat that no longer inflates by itself
• Another envelope with my name on it
• An old, old banana skin
• 2 bottles of water. Not empty
• One ticket to see D’Angelo live in concert. I have never seen D’Angelo live in concert
• An invitation to Kat and Josh’s wedding
• An empty Quavers packet
• A single bird feather. In my professional opinion, once belonging to a male blackbird
• One Planet Waves Screeching Halt Acoustic Feedback Suppressor
• A Chicago Super Slice Sabre box
• An empty packet of Biltong
• One genuine bone. Probably a shoulder blade or collar bone. Previous owner, possibly a cow or pig or something. Bequeathed to me by one Roger Newton, who I can only assume makes it his personal goal to feature in this list every year
• The carry case for my ninja sword umbrella
• An envelope with a drawing of 10 green bottles, a moustache and the number 25 stuck to it. Plus my name. Obviously
• A spoon